I think it was you, Fredo

I was looking at a dessert menu tonight, and I saw something called a 'semifredo'. What the heck could that be? The only Fredo I know was from The Godfather 2. Assuming that is what they meant then the full Fredo would be to have Al Pacino kiss you on the mouth, be taken out in a boat, and then shot in the head. So a semifredo must be to have someone kiss you on the cheek, take you out in the back of the restaurant, and then smack you around a bit.

Turns out that a semifredo is actually a mousse cake. I ordered it, and while it was very tasty I was concerned about the presentation. This was a fairly swanky place so most of the other desserts had sauces artfully placed on the plates using a variety of techniques. One place had the sauces in a swirl pattern. I believe this is 'drizzled'. Another had little patches of the sauce. I have heard this is called 'spotted'. My semifredo had a smear of sauce that looks like it was created by dipping two fingers in chocolate and then dragging them across the place.

For lack of a better name. I called this 'skid marking'.

Doing a Body Good

I went to an Irish pub with some friends a few nights ago. I saw they had a brownie sundae on the menu. I decided that sounded good so I ordered it with a glass of milk. The waitress then proceeded to make fun of me for ordering a glass of milk. She asked if I was a five year-old and if I wanted a bottle. Which of the following do you think best described my reaction?

A) I laughed along with her.

B) I grabbed her head, slammed it down onto the table on top of my menu, and proceeded to scream at her. "See that? See that there? What's that word? CHOCOLATE! That's right. And what do people like to drink when they're having a lot of chocolate, hmmm? NO NOT COFFEE YOU MORON!!! It's late, and I have to WORK TOMORROW. So now that we've ruled out coffee what else might a person drink with a LARGE FUDGE BROWNIE. Speak up... What was that? No, I'm not going to kill you. Just answer the question. Did you say milk? Oh so now that we've established that a reasonable person might order a glass of milk with there desert it seems a little unkind for you to criticize my beverage choice doesn't it? DOESN'T IT? And I seem like a reasonable person don't I. Sure I am. OK, glad we straightened that out."

C) I sat and stared at the table with a mentally subnormal look on my face.

D) I sat and wept silently.

The Trouble with Tabloids

This morning I was in the checkout line at a drugstore when I saw a tabloid with a big picture of Angelina Jolie and the caption 'Photos of the Twins!' Excitedly, I grabbed it and flipped through it looking for the pictures.

They weren't the twins I was expecting. Guess I'm not up on celebrity current events.

Earwax

I have earwax. Sometimes it goes beyond what I can safely handle with a Q-tip and have to escalate to silly drops that I have to put in my ear while I keep my head tilted. Why the heck do our bodies produce earwax? There must be a good reason. Here are my current theories.

It's my body's way of trying to prevent me from hearing stupid things. This is not a very appealing theory since the person I most often hear speaking is myself.

It's the physical manifestation of The Force and the source of all my Jedi powers.

It's a natural camouflage that my body is producing to help me hide amongst the filth that I typically wallow in.

It's actually a very concentrated pheromone, and I would be irresistible to women if I would just stop cleaning out my ears.

It's a defense mechanism that my body produces to make my brains seem unpalatable to any nearby zombies.

In Living Color

I've been sick for the past three days, but I'm trending towards healthy. I know this not just because I'm feeling a bit better, but by my traditional gage of health: the color of the crap I cough out of my throat when I wake up in the morning. Here's a copy of my reference chart

Clear: Picture of health

Booger Green: Head cold

Blood Red: You have "The Consumption". This means you are likely an ingenue in a period piece and are going to die tragically at the end. Sucks to be you.

Blue: You've been eating raspberry Slushies while sleepwalking.

Chartreuse: You're gay.

Orange: A martian has laid an egg in your chest. Call some friends with a video camera and prepare for some post-mortem YouTube fame.

Black: You're leaking oil. Run a dipstick down your throat to see how low you're running, and schedule an appointment with a mechanic soon.

KABOOM!

I watched an episode of MythBusters last night. I don't even really remember the myths they were trying to debunk: I just remember the explosions. It struck me that it has been years since I've blown anything up... intentionally. This has inspired me to start making a list of things I would like to have the chance to see explode.

A large block of Jell-O

A paint store

A Humvee

A wedding cake while it is being cut

A fireworks stand

Any microphone Cher tries to sing into

A Coin-Star machine right before it is emptied

A Honey Bucket, from a safe distance

The Pitter-Patter of Little Thumbs

I've noticed whenever I'm in the bathroom at work now I hear 'Click... click-click-click, click click...'. My first thought was 'Oh, no! The guy in the next stall has become almost completely paralyzed. He must be using Morse code to signal that he needs help. Well, I don't know Morse code so I should just kick the stall door in and check on him.'

After a few fall positives on that theory I realized it was just people texting while sitting on the toilet. That must be why people like the IPhone's touch screen and keyboard. It's so when they're sitting in a bathroom stall texting no one can hear them typing.

I gotta wonder what kind of exchanges are being sent through the air around me while I'm in the bathroom now. 'C U 2nite. Luv U 2'. Send. Flush.

Inspiration

I often wake up in the morning with really good ideas running through my head. Usually I just turn over, go back to sleep, and they become lost to the world. Recently I started writing them down:

An Ouija Board mouse pad

Bungee cords that hook blankets to one side of the bed to prevent the person you're sleeping with from stealing them all in the middle of the night

A Laxative called 'Getterdone'

A bullet made mostly of silver with a splinter of wood running through it and a small reservoir of holy water in the middle. I call it "Paris Hilton's 16th Minute"

A cattle-prod for cats

An alarm clock that wakes you up by talking about how wonderful last night was while promising not to get all crazy and clingy

A dresser with slightly heated sock and underwear drawers.

A Dyslexic Gangster rap group called 'Mitch Better Have My Bunny'