Blog Challenge: 25/25 - Documentation

Because I live with a smart person I wind up watching a fair number of documentaries. Many are just interesting and fun, but many also fall into the "Michael Moore: Let's Stir Up Some Liberal Fury" category. I'm not saying these documentaries aren't good: they are. I just really wish they didn't deliberately try to be so polarizing.

They always create three types of people: the poor mislead victims, the evil greedy military/corporate/political overlords, and the outraged intellectual who is the assumed audience.

Most people who watch this type of movie are thoughtful and well-adjusted, but how many times have you sat next to some self-righteous douche bag at a dinner party who's entire conversational repartee is something like this:

"Well I saw a documentary about the pillow farming industry, and I couldn't believe how awful it really was! All those poor pillows being raised in cages while their natural habitat is destroyed by cellphone farmers! There were all these studies that show how North American pillows are going to be extinct by 2036, but congress won't do anything because the pillow industry lobby has them all in their pocket. Elected officials are so stupid. Don't they have any morals? Don't they care about what's going on. That's why I vote for Nader."

Blog Challenge: 24/25 - Take it away, you fool!

Every once in a while you're in a crowded place with a lot of background noise, and you wind up having to speak a bit loud to be heard over the background noise. On rare occasions you do this right as the background noise drops to a whisper. That's a bit embarrassing, but understandable.

Recently I've discovered a new for of this incident that should be avoidable. I'll be riding on a bus where many people are listening to music. The bus gets on a highway, the background noise gets louder, and so everyone turns up the volume on their players. Sometimes, you're really into the song so you REALLY crank it up.

Then later when the bus gets off the highway and is sitting at a stoplight you're still rocking out, but now everyone on the bus can hear the music leaking out from your ears. They all turn an watch you lip sync along, but you don't notice because you've got your eyes closed and are really whipping that head around.

Then you notice.

Should you find yourself in this situation, just pray that the song you were rocking out to is something respectable and not say... Mmm, Bop! by Hansen.

Blog Challenge: 23/25 - Evil, Thy Name is Jet Lag

Do you know what time it is? I've been back in the states for two days and my inner clock is still screwed up. People have given me a number of suggestions on combating jet lag. A choice selection:

-Drink until you pass out. (Note: this may occur before you take your first drink)

-Wear a giant novelty clock around your neck a la Flava Flav

-Alternate between taking one hour naps and dunking your head in the toilet and flushing it (known as a 'swirly')

-Drink vast amounts of coffee mixed with NyQuil

-Never leave your current time zone

Blog Challenge: 22/25 - Practical Italian

Should you ever get a chance to go to Rome I highly recommend it. If you don't already speak Italian then you should know a few basic words (yes, no, hello, goodbye, please, thank you) before you go. If you really want to ensure you have a great trip you should also learn how to say the following:

-Those sunglasses, that hairdoo, and those tight jeans make you look like an androgynous housefly.

-This thing with all the people in it that you just walked by? Its called a line. Why don't you get in it before I knock you vital bits up into your abdominal cavity with my knee?

-Is clasping your hands behind your back an essential part of walking so infuriatingly slow, or is it just for style?

-What skillfully applied makeup! I just wish your face had a coinslot so I could leave and offering in memory of Tammy Fay baker.

-I wonder how the sideview mirror of your car got all scratched up? I suppose it might be because you drive thirty miles an hour down windy Roman streets filled with pedestrians.

-Oh goody, more eighties music from the states. I feel twenty years younger!

Blog Challenge: 21/25 - How to park a car in Rome

Should you ever visit Rome you should not under any circumstances rent a car. You won't need it, and it will be a huge challenge to park. If you do need to park a car in Rome, here are the heuristics I have seen used by Roman drivers

If there is a space on or near the road you are on that is approximately the size of your car then park there.

If the space is to narrow for your car to fit lengthwise then just part perpendicular to the street.

You should try and get at least two wheels up on to the sidewalk. Four is ideal. Three is also pretty good.

If two people arrive at a spot at the same time then the spot goes to whoever has the tightest pants. If both pairs are equally tight then both cars may be parked in the same spot.

Parking on top of a beggar is not ideal, but is acceptable if there are no other spaces.

If there are absolutely no spaces, then you may start a second line of parked cars on the street side of the existing line.

Blog Challenge: 20/25 - Jeff, the God of Biscuits

I went to the Vatican today without causing a major international incident. I was really impressed by all the statues, particularly of some of the lesser-known saints:

St. Perry - Patron saint of lounge singers and bottled water

St. Rohnda - Matron saint of bowling alleys, arcades, and diners

St. Mervin - Patron saint of polyester and accountants

St. Phil - Patron saint of bureaucrats and standing in line

St. Concetta - Matron saint of housekeepers and scuzzy boyfriends

St. Eddie - Patron saint of hair care products and bad moustaches

St. Duran - Patron saint of 80s music

Blog Challenge: 19/25 - Let's do lunch

We saw ancient Rome today. It's pretty much a bunch of bricks all spilled everywhere. We also saw some Catholic artifacts. Whoopdeedoo.

The real highlight of the day was the realization after my third drink of the evening that it was about lunchtime in Seattle, and that rather than being halfway through my work day in Redmond that instead I am more than halfway to being drunk in Rome.

Tomorrow we go and tour the Vatican. In an effort to maintain diplomatic relations between the USA and the Holy See I'm trying to get all the inappropriate stuff out of my system tonight.

Let's just be glad that the Pope is still in Africa at the moment.