In Living Color

I've been sick for the past three days, but I'm trending towards healthy. I know this not just because I'm feeling a bit better, but by my traditional gage of health: the color of the crap I cough out of my throat when I wake up in the morning. Here's a copy of my reference chart

Clear: Picture of health

Booger Green: Head cold

Blood Red: You have "The Consumption". This means you are likely an ingenue in a period piece and are going to die tragically at the end. Sucks to be you.

Blue: You've been eating raspberry Slushies while sleepwalking.

Chartreuse: You're gay.

Orange: A martian has laid an egg in your chest. Call some friends with a video camera and prepare for some post-mortem YouTube fame.

Black: You're leaking oil. Run a dipstick down your throat to see how low you're running, and schedule an appointment with a mechanic soon.