Rules of Radio

I listen to a lot of radio when I'm commuting. It's a good way to discover new music and an easy way to get the news. It's also a nice way to take in a baseball game. Since all the action in a game really only requires 4% of your attention anyway, eliminating the visual component gets that number down to a nice 1%.

However, in all the decades that I have been listening to the radio there are certain unforgivable acts that I hear for radio stations all across the country. Since they don't seem to be going away on their own I'm going to call them out here. With any luck this list will wind up in the hands of the program director of a station and the healing will begin.

Rule #1: Never play a song that has been edited for length
What marketing douche bag came up with the idea that keeping a song under three minutes is somehow good for radio? I have never been driving along listening to a good song thinking 'Gee, I love this song, but I'm just don't think I can handle all four minutes.' Actually, just the opposite is true. When a song I like gets cut off I want to cause an accident. If your station's policies prohibit you from playing songs over a certain length then just don't play those songs.

Rule #2: Never play a song that has been edited for content
Who are we kidding here? Even if you've never heard the song before you can probably figure out within context what's being said. All you're doing is screwing up the rhythm of the song. What about kids you ask? Look, if you're so worried about little Tammy Fay hearing a naughty word in a song then don't play top 40 radio stations on the compound's wireless.

Rule #3: Never play sound effects of horns or sirens.
I can't believe this even needs to be said, but almost every radio station I have ever listened to includes a soundtrack of horns and emergency vehicle sirens along with their traffic reports. If someone is in their car the last thing they need is to hear either of those sounds coming from anywhere. I wonder how may accidents have actually been caused by these sounds?

Rule #4: Morning DJs: don't bore me with the details of your life.
I know that DJs have a lot of information they need to get across. I know they need to chat with listeners. I know they need to establish a persona that is interesting and engaging. However, I know that I don't give a crap about the interesting thing that happened with the kid who mows their lawn or what their dog did last night.

Rule #5: Evening DJs: you do not have a sexy voice.
Have you ever heard an afternoon or evening DJ take five minutes to say a sentence that should take thirty seconds? I bet it was because they were speaking in a slow, breathy tone and really lingering on vowel sounds. Yeah, that needs to stop. Listen, Kathleen Turner has a sexy voice. Barry White has a sexy voice. You, Mr./Mrs. evening DJ, sound mentally sub-normal when you talk that way.

Rule #6: Talk Radio DJs: Don't sounds so effing smug.
I listen to news radio when I first wake up. However, it took me a while to find a station I could listen to without wanting to pound nails through my forehead. The reason was that most talk radio DJs just sound so damn smug. NPR personalities are the worst. What happened to the news radio from the middle of the 1900s when everyone spoke a mile a minute with flawless diction? Now we have to listen to these coma-inducing, mellow-toned, unctuous, condescending, beat-poet-like deliveries. To make matters worse, these tones are usually used to deliver not the local or world news, but rather educational programs on subjects that I couldn't care less about.

Rule #7: Don't play clips of your listeners saying how much they like your station
It's fine that people like your station. If I'm listening then I probably like it too. However, when I have to hear some random boob blather about how they sing along to their shower radio or how it 'makes them feel good' I suddenly worry that the target demographic of your station is the mentally retarded, and I change the station very quickly.