Hello, My Name is Amanda Huginkiss

I met six new people last night in a context where no one knew anything about me. Whenever this happens I'm sorely tempted to make up a fake story about who I am and what I do. Here are some of the potential dossiers.

I'm a dentist at the zoo. On my nights off I like to do rubbings of headstones in graveyards.

I'm a knobbiest for the shoe industry. In my spare time I collect racial slurs.

I'm a janitor at a soap factory. It's just like being a janitor anywhere else, except whenever there's a big spill I get a few days off.

I'm a model for Texas Instruments. You can see me in their fall catalog doing math.

I'm a baggage handler for US Airways. On my nights off I like to pawn other people's possessions.

I'm a waiter at McDonald's.

Cultural Sensetivity, Beer...

I'm going to Oktoberfest this weekend. Actually, I'm going to a local American Oktoberfest, which is just another case of Americans using some other cultures meaningful holiday as an excuse to drink beer.

I'm not condemning this practice (I said I was going, didn't I), but I think its a bit sad that we claim to be celebrating something we really don't care about by hanging up crepe paper and cardboard signs that have stupid cartoony pictures declaring: "Happy Oktoberfest/Cinco De Mayo/St. Patrick's Day/4th of July". As if we really care about any of those days.

I imagine other western cultures would never do such a thing, but if they did here's how I think it would go down:

The Writ-Fish* would drink room temperature beer and reminisce about how they used to rule the country who's holiday is being celebrated.

The Pyre-Fish* wouldn't bother with the decorations.

The Wrench* would just keep drinking red wine and make snide remarks about how the country's civilization hasn't produced the same great achievements as the Wrench's has.

The Hermans* would laugh at the pathetic inferiority of the beer from the country in question.

The Handmaidians* would just do whatever the people in the country they were currently in are doing as part of their continued effort to take over the world by looking just like the rest of us. The bastards.

(* I've cleverly replaces the names of each culture with another word so as to avoid obvious stereotypes).

Hawaiian Shirt Day

I can wear whatever I want at my job. The dress code is: as long as it doesn't contain a racial slur or confirm your gender beyond any doubt its probably OK.

I've heard that you should dress for the job you want as opposed to the job you have. I always thought that if you did this then you would get that other job. So far it hasn't happened. Here are the outfits I've tried so far:

Jedi Knight

Supreme Court Judge

Ninja

Senator (The old Greek kind that always wear togas and laurel wreaths).

Batman

Circa 1970s porn star

Jedi Master

King of Sweden

Vice president. (Basically I just wear a suit and insult other people with real jobs.)

Sucka NCs

I hate anything that involves the word 'pageantry', and the Democratic and Republican National Conventions fall under that category. After several slow news days with lots of articles on the speeches that were made for the fan boys, I was struck by the similarities between the speakers at these events and gangsta rappers.

They spend a lot of time bragging about where they're from.

They love catch phrases.

They often wear ridiculous outfits that are at the same time hideously unique while still conforming to the rules of their larger group.

They like to talk about how awesome they are and what they are going to do without getting specific on how.

They like to talk about how terrible people from the other party/coast/political ideology/record label are.

They find a few key words they really like and work them in to every other sentence.

While there are a few noteworthy women, its mostly a bunch of like-minded men with trophy wives.

Both groups are all about the Benjamins. Only the rappers are decent enough to admit it.

I think it was you, Fredo

I was looking at a dessert menu tonight, and I saw something called a 'semifredo'. What the heck could that be? The only Fredo I know was from The Godfather 2. Assuming that is what they meant then the full Fredo would be to have Al Pacino kiss you on the mouth, be taken out in a boat, and then shot in the head. So a semifredo must be to have someone kiss you on the cheek, take you out in the back of the restaurant, and then smack you around a bit.

Turns out that a semifredo is actually a mousse cake. I ordered it, and while it was very tasty I was concerned about the presentation. This was a fairly swanky place so most of the other desserts had sauces artfully placed on the plates using a variety of techniques. One place had the sauces in a swirl pattern. I believe this is 'drizzled'. Another had little patches of the sauce. I have heard this is called 'spotted'. My semifredo had a smear of sauce that looks like it was created by dipping two fingers in chocolate and then dragging them across the place.

For lack of a better name. I called this 'skid marking'.

Doing a Body Good

I went to an Irish pub with some friends a few nights ago. I saw they had a brownie sundae on the menu. I decided that sounded good so I ordered it with a glass of milk. The waitress then proceeded to make fun of me for ordering a glass of milk. She asked if I was a five year-old and if I wanted a bottle. Which of the following do you think best described my reaction?

A) I laughed along with her.

B) I grabbed her head, slammed it down onto the table on top of my menu, and proceeded to scream at her. "See that? See that there? What's that word? CHOCOLATE! That's right. And what do people like to drink when they're having a lot of chocolate, hmmm? NO NOT COFFEE YOU MORON!!! It's late, and I have to WORK TOMORROW. So now that we've ruled out coffee what else might a person drink with a LARGE FUDGE BROWNIE. Speak up... What was that? No, I'm not going to kill you. Just answer the question. Did you say milk? Oh so now that we've established that a reasonable person might order a glass of milk with there desert it seems a little unkind for you to criticize my beverage choice doesn't it? DOESN'T IT? And I seem like a reasonable person don't I. Sure I am. OK, glad we straightened that out."

C) I sat and stared at the table with a mentally subnormal look on my face.

D) I sat and wept silently.

The Trouble with Tabloids

This morning I was in the checkout line at a drugstore when I saw a tabloid with a big picture of Angelina Jolie and the caption 'Photos of the Twins!' Excitedly, I grabbed it and flipped through it looking for the pictures.

They weren't the twins I was expecting. Guess I'm not up on celebrity current events.